Sir Joshua Reynolds

Isn’t this true? You need a hand with your art? Clap. Clap. It’s not fair…because it isn’t. You’re exactly right. You have a talent without a showcase. You have a gift but no recipient. Your cat is tired of being the only one hearing you out of tune.

Just think, this same thing was occurring 270 years ago as well. There was no marketplace for minorities back then. There was no social media. You were either born with “talent” and a Messiah complex. Or, you were a minority. Which meant you had no direct audience so you also had no birth talent. The lottery, the birth lottery was not good to you.

So. That’s it? Just, a majority charging ahead in developing talent and declaring value. Then, the rest of us? Talentless scabs. Haha. I think, every artist says something like this when they are a nobody:

The system favors the few and they are not that great. When I make it, I’m going to change that. I’m going to help everyone.

Talented Nobody Artists

Meanwhile, their fame grows until they lose the position they held as a nobody. “Hello? That’s the same system that they used to get them famous.”

Right. So, nothing changes. In the second part of the quote he realized that talent is it’s own fame. Without, relying on favors. Just, make Art. So. If you want to do something you love expect to be broke most of your life. Until, that chance occurrence when you have something to offer. Someone died. Someone was, too much to handle. Then, it’s your move. Not before, the talentless won’t get off the stage and are using up all the favors. Haha.

Reynolds, J., & Gosse, E. (1884). The discourses of Sir Joshua Reynolds. London: Kegan Paul, Trench & Co.

Things I Did While Not Writing

(I had a weird dream)

I hiked Camelback with my favorite mountain bike. A Scott Spark. They are overpriced unless you know how to ride them. I took mine off a freeway overpass. I flattened both tires in my landing. The bike was fine.

I’ve talked with their engineers. Tinkered with custom parts. Rode their bikes into “the boonies” of America. So many mountain trails not really trying to destroy my bike…but kinda. 100 mile mountain trail rides because, it’s my day off.

I could understand that part of my dream. Doing hard things and calling them “fun.” Sweating all the way up the mountain with a 30 pound bike on my back. Then, creeping up to the ledge of this 20 degree incline. Stopping to stare at the city below. It’s not a ski jump. Camelback mountain is twisty and without meaning. You kind of, throw yourself into it.

No one, would downhill this thing. No. One.

I always seem to stare at the sky before I plunge down the mountain path. Or tree line. Just, as a compass marker. The sun is on my right. I parked in that town over that peak on the left. I know I need to stay pointed in this direction or I’ll run out of calories and lose my car. Did I mention, I did this for fun? For, years?

What are you thinking about?

Mexico Mountain Bike Champion

I tell him my story. He paused for a long time. Then told me, about his first mountain bike. He trained so hard and would take it up the Pico de Orizaba. There were only donkeys and cattle going up these small paths into Mexico’s tallest mountain.

Some crazy guy on a bicycle scared my cattle. I’ve never saw anyone do that.

Mountain Farmer

It took several attempts but he said he may have been the first to ascend and descend it by mountain bike. Then, he looked at me and said, “Maybe, its not that you can do it. Its not about the bicycle or everything you’ve done. Its about what you’re doing now.”

Things I Did While Not Writing

I’ve always been vocal but not for the sake of loving my own voice. If, I found something neat I’ll share otherwise I mostly sit and wait. New artists, tend to go wild and take this manic pace. Then feel exhausted and broken later. Maybe, the next day. The next hour. I’ve just, saw this physical pain first hand many of my friends dated art students.

You know. That’s the thing about any school. You are told, pretty much lies. The, whole time. You are, the greatest when you leave. Then, fall on your face for a few years. Having to contend with the many that also graduated and might also have more exercised talents. They, didn’t schmooze all through Art school. They didn’t sleep with their teachers. They, make pretty good use of their concepts and ideas. Then, there’s the others that are amazing and cannot sell anything to save their life. I can relate to those. They, are the quiet ones.

How can you, do anything with your mouth open? Or. While watching YouTube. Blasting Spotify. Also, trying to catch up on the gossip of the day with your friends. If art, is observation how can you observe anything like this?

Art itself does have much imitation because we tend to not care for the difference between imitation and original work. As the adoring public is concerned “bring on the same it’s all, pretty weird anyways.” So. Like a popular artist does he mimics old work until his soul dies. He’s that guy. You know? He did that thing with Coke? Everyone does a thing with a major corporate sponsor. Then, they ride the wave of other projects based off that one creation. Those artists, are one trick ponies.

Art is observation. Life is spectrum. Shouldn’t art, also be spectrum? Why does it have to be always happy? Life is not always happy.

That’s the bad thing about the consumer. We want the escape, everyone does. That’s why our streaming shows and music sound and look like crap. These sugar filled songs and plastic characters with their lives perfectly together. That itself, is an art form that the audience participates in, hide your sadness no one cares. Buy the things.

When good art channels it. Moving the walls or sometimes mountains between themselves and their feelings. We are moved because of the relationships we’ve encountered. We are curious, we are all artists we just find reasons to not be.

Mandy (2018)

Another revenge love story. Hm. I should choose another genre horror seems to be riddled with love stories. It was fake news that Mandy was a HP Lovecraft story when its the other Spectrevision Cage movie, Color Out of Space.

It is a bit, odd. For SpectreVision to get fanboy over HP Lovecraft and not mention Lovecraft’s repeated racist ideology. Lovecraft’s cat was named Nigger-man. Lovecraft’s 1912 poem, “On the Creation of Niggers.” Lovecraft’s praise of Hitler.

Just, I mean I’m all for Arty stuff but, REALLY? SpectreVision, really? Why not remake BIRTH OF A NATION?

Starring, Nicholas Cage, since he’s also fanboy-ing for Lovecraft. It could be an excellent depiction of how out of touch a stduio can be beyond the micro culture of horror. The bottom feeders that love works that cross the border of racist belief. Encouraging some, odd behaviors in some fashion of it’s fans. Then studio’s and actors saying:

That wasn’t me. It’s not real. That wasn’t us that encouraged that kid to…(insert tragedy here.)

Every Studio and Actor

Know your audience.

Of course. Like anything commercial produced, Lovecraft wouldn’t have had a chance in any other time besides a century ago. To display his rhetoric against certain cultures. Only to be met later by SpectreVision being opportunists in our currently divided culture. Go ahead. Further White Supremacists SpectreVision. Cool.

If I had known this before Watching Mandy (2018) I would have not watched Mandy. I would have not watched anything SpectreVision. Sure. Horror explores the grotesque of our dominant culture but as the mini tribes form around white supremacist beliefs.

You have to let that shit, go.

Not me for being a minority. A horror fan. But, works that surrounded men like Lovecraft. You do not praise him as a “horror God” unless you also praise him for his praise of Hitler. Also! I wonder if Nicholas Cage is cool with that?


Fuck this film.

Politowski, A. & Cosmatos, P. (2018). Mandy [Motion Picture]. USA:SpecteVision.

Ziggy Marley (2006)

Where have I been? This song is fifteen years old. Before the ukelele hipster trend. Haha. People might have still been using Myspace.

It would be a Marley to make such a beautiful song about love, Hawaii, and the absence of love. With just a few chords and a nice melody. Reggae, is a pillar of hip-hop.

I think I was just feeling nostalgia this afternoon. Love. Meh. I blasted the Marleys into the Arizona desert air until sunset.

Ziggy Marley. (2006). “Beach in Hawaii.” Love is My Religion. Los Angeles, CA: Ishti Music.

Things I Did While Not Writing

One of the reasons I try not to have lots of friends. It might be easier for a woman. Men, especially larger men always get called when someone’s moving. When, an engine needs to go into a car. When, they get a flat tire.

I’m starting to feel used. No. I’ve always felt used by you. Lose my number. Bye.


Time, is an important product people can multiply their available time by wasting yours. How is that? Well. If it takes them two days to do something and they call you and it’s done in a few hours. They keep a day and a half. You, lose half a day.

But…I was just gonna lay around and watch Game of Thrones for the eighth time anyways.


Well. Whoop-dee-freakin’-do! Yeah. You can give your time to a friend. You’re giving it out anyways to a screen. I think, that’s where “Art” gets promoted unwisely. Maybe, the initial story was amazing. The sculpture, was full of wonder. You met that cute girl. Remember? This is hypothetical, of course you met them. She was so into you that’s why she talked fast like a chipmunk.

So. You keep going back to the same shows. Museums. Videogames. The feeling, dissolves.

Ever do that? You might like a sports team and go every month. Except this year you get season tickets. About halfway through, you may decide this wasn’t what you wanted. You still do it anyways because you paid for it. You put money up and your time is meaningless compared to the couple hundred or thousand already spent. You will, go and not have a good time. You earned it.

But, back to me.

For more than the past decade I’ve worked 80 to 100 hours a week. I didn’t want to do it. I did it because I was married and wanted a better life. I thought, working really hard would give me that life. That’s what, everyone says and they do say a lot of things. So. I agreed and picked up whatever uniform I needed. I worked whatever hours I had too. Then, I lost everything.

The mail would come. It was just a succession of letters from jerks that wanted more time and money.


Then friends would call:

Hey I heard you were going through a rough spot and its almost your day off. So, can you be my slave for $50 and 12 hours tomorrow? Just send a text. Thanks.

Jerk Friends

Is my time worth $50? I’d argue with myself all the way to this person’s house. Why am I wasting a perfectly good day for money I don’t need.

Why don’t I need this money? EVERYONE needs money.

If we didn’t why would pay so little to friends? We don’t think friends need money, obviously. They must be independent and wealthy to have such a great friend like you or I. That they have no idea what it costs to live anymore.

How much does butter cost? Will. $10,000 do? Here. Let’s get two this bores me.

Independent Wealthy Friend

Time, is given so freely. I think because we have so little respect toward each other. The overreach of our things have more respect than the lives we lead or the people we associate with. My friend may give me $50 for cleaning his yard while he watches sports but doesn’t think twice paying $100 for car wax. $50 for a haircut. $20 for hair gel.

You can see where there’s a need to say no out of just respect for yourself.

People are like that. We aren’t straight lines. We are cycles of decisions. Time gives us the recognition that a decision needs to be made and money buys more time. In either late fees. Paid labor. Or, unfair labor. How do you call it fair when even though I don’t make tons of money that I have to work for even less. A reduction because, “we’re friends.”

With half over half my life gone and not much to show for these efforts. It’s important to stay in reality. This reality, where “friends” see you struggling and offer a smaller carrot. That’s, not helping. Shove that carrot up your—!


So. With everything being without it’s roots. Positive vibes. Energies. Karma. Simply, the last one. Had you believed in positive energy why would you enjoy things at the suffering of your closest friends? Using their time, to promote your own leisure. What kind of friend is that?

It happens all the time. The vanity of the almost rich is everywhere in Arizona and we just eat it up. We are cockroaches that think we’re the rich because we could afford a beer at a nice place. The prices go up, and those cockroaches starve. In their place, new cockroaches.

Realize. One thing.

Do the work but don’t let the work do you. A job might put the flashy title of Manager or a few extra dollars an hour in a cage of employees.

Fight to the death. Whoever wins is the new manager.


When, in reality the title only means something to what? A half dozen people? Looks good when you leave but will take up 30 hours extra a week for $100 more? You know how much a credit hour at community college is? It might take the same amount of time for a degree as being a manager. The property value is higher on paper. Let’s say, the company fires you. You were a manager now you’re at the bottom again somewhere else.

In the same, I owned a few companies. I did a bunch of things. Just, to get to here. Alone. Forty. Half-dead. Employee.

What, I should’ve did.

Take every day off. Every one. Maybe plan them but mostly play outside. Eat bad and unhealthy food. Ride more rollercoasters. Follow that bikini model to Maui. I definitely should have did that one. I could still see her face at the airport gate.


We jumble up our lives enough to not enjoy what we have when we have it. Then, pine for resolutions that are harmful or out of reach. We should, be happy in the process even if we have to sweep whole buildings all night. If it’s forever, then use your day’s off. Use the crap out of them! You’re a janitor, you deal with crap all day. Go outside. Play. Like when you were little when it was so fun. Monday at school actually felt like a break. If that’s all you get in this life is two days off a week. Don’t give them away to selfish people it will not feed your soul.

Revenge (2017)

Horror is hard for female leads. You have a well defined bad guy. Or group of bad guys. Then, they are playing the before and after of a tragic event. What if, that lady in Psycho (1960) made it out of the tub and then stabbed Norman Bates? Sounds ridiculous but, horror is ridiculous. That’s what makes it, magical. Unicorns. Little trolls and stuff with…big fangs. Oh. Another thing, keeping your controlling mom as a mummy in a wheelchair is not ridiculous? That’s horror.

Psycho, 1960.

Revenge (2017). Is a hard one. It plays with cultural norms. The rich Playboy with his girlfriend of the week. The girl that dreams too big and settles for “side chick” status. The entourage of too close “bro’s.” Seemingly, what’s the worst that could happen?

I felt, let down in the beginning of this movie. It, well none of the characters are super likeable. So. You watch rich people party and be brats for about 40 minutes. That would have been nice if this wasn’t a horror movie. That’s my largest complaint but without that long buildup of shots. Smoking a lot. Sex. Showing off. Sex. Twerking. Sex again.

This movie would have only been 63 minutes without…all that.

That’s maybe the harder thing about film. Do you start right at the bad thing? Just before? Just after, and not show the bad thing at all? Any path you choose will change the timing in the film. Slow paced films usually don’t bother me. There’s reasons. Maybe.

It wasn’t until I blocked out the scenes. I went, ohhhhh. That’s why you did it in the movie. Maybe.


It’s easier to block out the scenes of movies at home. I still do it in the theater except in my head.

Horror movies. Uhhh. They. Never have great stories, haha. They just get close enough to a story for the audience to recognize time has gone by and then, someone dies. What about Stephen King?

What about Stephen King? (That’s me…mocking you.)


His books are, neat and I haven’t saw a Stephen King movie that could twist your mind like his books. None of them. None. They all fail. That’s an issue I have with most print books becoming movies. They, aren’t that good.

This movie, Revenge has different problems. A slow start. Kind of a late night Cinemax/Fifty Shades of Grey beginning. Then, this really awesome middle. A kind of bland ending. It’s kind of, like the movie The Bad Batch (2016).

But, also super slow like the movie Funny Games (2007).

Revenge (2017), has a survival horror trait. Jennifer, in the first half of the movie is this sexy woman in a group of men. She gets sexually assaulted and then murdered. Then, she survives and comes after them all. So. It’s an interesting twist but I couldn’t like it enough to feel like I wasn’t wasting my time.

Aren’t all movies a waste of time?

Well…yes. Netflix definitely counts on us either way. They save money if we don’t watch and just give them money. They also make money if we do watch in smaller increments much like Youtubers. You’ve binged Friend’s for the tenth time. Cool. The cast thanks you.

The story in Revenge is hard but almost not hard enough. There are many female victim revenge movies that do better to transform the female character. Hick (2012). Kill Bill (2003). Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (2011).

I wanted Revenge to offer some differences or contrasts. Although, it did bring different concepts maybe the shallowness of her aggressors made revenge less honorable. I saw the allegories and thought, “yeah we’re getting somewhere.” Then, they just dropped the allegory. I was peeved. No. I was like WTF! Why did you do that? Like, older fatter men at sports events. I just, wanted maybe some smoothness in the plot like All The Boys Love Mandy Lane (2006). Even though, Revenge is a clever mix of several horror genres it wasn’t clever enough.

Schwartz, M. & Fargeat, C. (2017) Revenge [Motion Picture]. France: Rezo Films.